Tonight we have a Mills & Boon style photo shoot where a “Barbie doll” intruder comes in and intrudes the photo shoot. I would love it if an intruder was called Trude. That would just be too funny. Anyway, all the girls are packing it.
Tonight's journey begins with all the girls sitting very naturally in the rumpus room ready to strike up conversation. Hopefully they’ve all had their organic soy chai turmeric lattes or there will be hell to pay. The girls start by asking Zoe if she had a good nights rest and feels better. Zoe takes this moment to really make it all about her and I feel like maybe a producer has brought in a bacon and egg roll with extra BBQ sauce to really perk her up after a night of obvs too many brewski's. So OMG they all got roses. Yah. Areeba immediately questions how Zoe-Clare can be receiving a rose when she didn’t attend the ceremony. Like how?? Um, cause obvs Bachie heard her spewing in the mansion commode and felt sorry for her (dah). Areeba doesn’t like Zoe-Clare and vice versa. Areeba believes she and Bachie connected really well and in the post vom haze that Zoe-Clare’s in, Zoe realises that Areeba has just spoken and “like, um, what’s she still doing here?” Flashback to Zoe-Clare's finger pointing take down at Areeba on the couch the night before calling her a moll just as Areeba cracked open a servo sandwich.
Papa Osh strolls into the rumpus room to deliver the first single date card. All the girls squeal in excitement. Meanwhile Nicole is holding on very tightly to the triple threat rose. The date card gets read out and Bachie mentions the gift from the heart that really touched him and Laura realises instantaneously that she’s out because she didn’t get him anything but a bit some sass. Soz “didn’t get him shit all”… Her words. Can someone explain to me how she’s a snob if her vernacular is rough as guts? Or would she rather call herself a snob instead of high maintenance? Bella goes red and gets butterflies immediately hearing the clue. Aaaand the date card goes to Bella. The girls all erupt into fake applause and lots of gritted teeth smiles. Describing that moment just makes me think that it’s a room full of Alexis and David Rose’s completely deadpan and like soooo happy for her.
Bachie whisks Bella away on a yacht. He pretends as though he has sailed the whole thing by himself, but I’m waiting for one of the crew to pop up their heads up from down below to help him get the yacht into port properly. Yes, this little blogger knows how to winch and tack. And just as he takes Bella to the front of the yacht to sit down and have a romantic chat, I see one of the crew quickly rushed up to start sailing them away on their date. Sail away, sail away, sail away… Bachie begins winching and tacking like a pro so that Bella can see that he’s a big strong provider and can go into the woods with a toothpick and a Swiss Army Knife to build a luxury mansion for them just in case of an apocalyptic style event. A few minutes in and he wants to get his tilt on big time. He is so excited like he’s 10 again and it’s pressie time on Xmas morning. Careful Bella, you don’t want to rock the yacht around too much, it’s not a teabag.
Back at Mansion de Bachie, beautiful Steph brings in the first group date card. I really like her. She’s got such great energy. Areeba is just annoyed about the whole ordeal and wondering why it’s not a first date card just for her. It’s the photo shoot but Laura interrupts with some stage 5 thoughts. She tells us how she is thinking about her future with Bachie and has already named the puppy and got their Porsche cayenne turbo... you know. Normal. Areeba is super pleased with herself that she’s on the date. “Sucked in girls” her words. Zoe-Clare is not impressed about Areeba’s attendance and does a double middle finger to camera.
Group Date Attendees: Irena, Rosemary, Maddy, Nicole, Roxi, Steph, Laura, Zoe-Clare, Areeba and let’s not forget that Trude is coming to the party.
PS. Mid ad break thought; can someone tell me how many times we are going to hear little Dannii Minogue say in every ad for the Masked Singer that that was the best performance ever on a show? I feel like this shouldn’t be made into a drinking game otherwise we’re all dead.
Back to Bachie, and he is ferry impressed that Bella did a little bit of winching and has captained the yacht. That is seriously revving his engine right now. He has dropped anchor at a private and “secluded” little beach and wants to let their hair down after the adrenaline build up from sailing… Yeah, ok keep your ship together mate. There’s Prosecco and a cheese platter waiting on some beautiful cushions for them at the front of the yacht. I have to say, some of these yacht companies do the best cheeseboards I’ve ever had. I got a great sweet potato dip recipe from one that rocks my boat. Ok I’ll stop the ship puns. Anyway, they both keep talking about the “champagne” and then drinking it even though it’s really Prosecco and I’m like pfft. I think he’s falling... he’s jumping feet first into the water. No I’m wrong, he did a jimmy flip.
Bella is waiting for him to kiss her and then he disappears underwater for a minute or two and I’m really hoping there are no bubbles that come up. He pops back up with a rose between his teeth, and Bella’s all giggling and so impressed that he could swim and so they kiss. First Bach pash done.
It’s 11:45pm and the girls are brewing more decaf and stress chatting about how long this first date has gone on for and they all think that it’s just too long which must mean that he’s already in love. Bella walks into Mansion de Bachie glowing. All the girls are wondering if she’s had a make out section, session, section, make out section, session no make out session yes section (insert eye roll). Laura hears Bella say it’s the best date that she’s been on, and she understands because she would totally wife her. You know, because it’s 2020 and she can marry women but like she won’t. She got a rose but is keeping it safe in her room, in a glass case Beauty and the Beast styles. The girls then try to pump Bella for info on the date. Bella refuses to tell them that they kissed. They all know that she did, we all know she did obviously, and especially Areeba knows that they kissed, but Bella is standing her ground. Good on you Bella! Areeba doesn’t really care because Bella is not her, so she’s got nothing to worry about.
We watch the girls go on the group date. They all turn up smiling like crazy people (3 finger smiles; 2 finger smiles are fine, but 3 is too much) and Osher tells them it’s a photo shoot date cause he knows I’m doing shots every time he announces that. Areeba explains that she’s always ready to get a picture taken and says it’s all in her eyes. She then begins to stare very intensely at the camera and performs an open mouthed trout pout that kind of reminds me of Ursula the sea witch when she’s about to start singing.
So, Areeba is in full trout pout mode all day. Zoe-Clare wants to be all over Bachie. Laura wants to be better than those “basic bitches” and shows off her modelling skills with a couple of shoulder rolls circa the ones performed by the nuns in Sister Act. Apparently the girls have to pose it out to win the final photo for some more time with Bachie.
The first photo shoot is with Zoe-Clare, Areeba and Nicole. Nicole is completely aware of the tension between the other two ladies but tries to laugh and smile her way through like the incredible peacekeeper that she is. Zoe-Clare makes her move quickly, much to Areeba’s dismay that you can see through her fake smile, asking Bachie to pick her up and put her on the bench of the bar so she can flirt like crazy with him. Areeba is pissed that she didn’t think of that herself. Note: the more Areeba smiles apparently the more pissed off she is. This will get interesting cause she’s at a level 4 teeth gritting smile. Any harder and she’s like to crack a tooth.
The next photo shoot is a family dinner. OMG they’ve dressed Steph up as a Dad. I feel so bad for her but she is taking it in her stride. Irena is the girlfriend and Laura is the jealous little sister (yas casting!). Steph is seriously hilarious with the one-liners. Bachie is in stitches. However Steph is finding that her banter is attracting some seriously loving stares from Irena. Steph steals the show so much that the other girls say they wanted to dress up as men too, except for Laura cause obvs. Irena gets a close-up and Laura spots that she is touching his leg and vice versa.
Third photo shoot is Bachie shopping for engagement ring with two of the girls. Sadly the villains are watching the photo shoot from a walkway above the room and throwing shade at them the entire time.
Papa Osh gathers them all on a Persian greeting rug with the dranks to calm them down. They’re all wondering who has won the photo shoot when this beautiful blonde in a wedding dress strolls in looking a bit overwhelmed by all the angry eyes on her. Uh oh… Papa Osh announces that Bachie is doing a photo shoot with Trude. Actually her name is Caitlin and he is super excited. He goes over to say hello and the girls continue spewing through their fake smiles. His back is practically burning from all the death stares. Laura is completely and utterly triggered and I’m ok with that because she’s keeping me watching the show. Caitlin is lovely. She has long blonde hair that kind of reminds me of an un-cooked pack of Maggie 2 minute noodles. Don’t you think? Lol! Osher breaks the news to the girls that Caitlin and Bachie will be getting time together with a cheese platter and nobody has won anything. Then he tells them all to head home and get ready for a cocktail party!! The girls, still faux smiling, begin crying as they crab walk off the Persian greeting rug and head back to Mansion de Bachie.
Next Ep: Cocktail party with Areeba cursing Juliette’s unborn children for saying something to her and what fresh hell is this?
PS. Thanks to the continued crap effort of the group that we call the press, it’s become clear to us all that Bella and Irena are the 2 girls that Locky falls for and all the rest of the girls were there for drama and bs. Thanks for ruining everything you bunch of jerks.