Jesse McGoldrick
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Honey Bachelor

26/8/2018

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Ok, so I kinda dropped the ball there with Love Island Australia and I didn't even try to do Love Island UK (which is awesome and my favourite of all the Islands of Love) because I got very busy. This time though I'm hoping that I'll be able to do a little blog for each episode. I mean, the rate at which their dropping Bachie episodes (2 per week) kinda helps. So let's get this show pony on the road.

But first... Helloooo Osher! Someone has finally been gifted a better stylist to show off those guns. Well played Channel 10, well played indeed.

EPISODE 1: MEET & GREET (WITH A POSSIBLE RETREAT)

Season 6's Bachelor is Australian football player Nick 'Honey Badger' Cummins. I really hope he lives up to his Honey Badger nickname (pun definitely intended) because apparently Honey Badgers don't give af. Channel 10 roll out the video of Nick's footy highlights along with some of the worst facial expressions to be seen on a man, some very similar to the ones that even Beyonce tried getting erased from the internet. But we all giggle and persevere. Nick loves a 'good yarn'. He's a top bloke just lookin for his sheila - or something to that effect. Sorry I got lost in the Aussie cockney. He's really pulling out all the stops. He's even handing out a key to the Bachelor pad for 1 lucky lady. My goodness, I hope he chooses well because that could end badly.

So then we (somewhat) meet 25 ladies who have no idea who he is... Well, except for one young lady (Cass) who has actually gone on a couple of dates with him outside Bachie Manor. Look, I don't know about you but I find it a little difficult to watch her constantly freaking out with an expressionless reaction on her face all-the-time. There's not a single line on her gorgeous young face, but she has the eyes of a possum in the headlights of 20 Toyota Hilux's ready to race.

The women that stood out for me were Brooke, Brittany, Dasha, Crystal Cayla, Cass, Cat, Juliana, Romy, Shaz and Sophie, and all for very different reasons.

Brooke is stunning! She's sporty, has no idea who he is (which is exactly what he would want), she's really lovely and - completely agreeing with Bachie here - has such an incredible, grounded, earthly energy to her. I'm going to call this now and say that she will be in the top 3. I'm calling it now because he's given her the key to the Bachie Pad.

Brittany is also another lovely lady who I think will be in the top 3 too. There seems to be some instant chemistry between them already. Then along comes Dasha (Darrrr-sha), the seriously exotic Russian PT. Dasha seems so lovely and I adore her accent. I think she might get to home stays, but that's only if Bachie is ok with her little whipper snapper. He did refer to her child like that right? He throws so many sayings in that I just can't keep up.

Then we have Cass. I'm on the fence about her. It's clear that she's got a tonne of feelings for Bachie already having dated him, and being in a room of 24 other women who are already looking at him like he's the steak in the pub is going to be very difficult to deal with. I want to say that the vibes she's giving off are can he just pick me and end the show right now? Just saying. Anyway, good luck to her. Next on my list is Crystal Cayla (because there's 2 Cayla's and this is how I'm differentiating). She's an energy healer and I totally dig that. Crystal Cayla has brought Bachie a 2kg raw rose quartz and infused it with intentions for him to find a wife. I think that's a lovely gesture. But I'm the kind of lady who owns a lot of crystals myself, even a few lunar mists. You read that right. Bite me. Now, the great thing about Crystal Cayla being an energy healer is that she can pick up on BS in a heartbeat... And she does.

Which leads me to bring up Cat from Bali who I'm just not getting the good vibes from. I feel like Channel 10's casting department have thrown Cat in to fight amongst the pigeons and it's not going to end well. I feel like they're trying to make her into Keira 2.0. However, I ended up loving Kiki after watching her on Bachelor in Paradise. Cat is no Kiki and never will be. Soz babe. There's only 1. Plus, she's not calling it how it is, she's coming across as a plain old bully. Which brings me to the next 2 girls: Romy and Alisha (her ride or die's for lyf, or at least until the end of this show or episode). Is it just me or does anyone else feel like the mean girls from Muriel's Wedding turned up to the Bachie Manor to stir sh*t? I know that people have been using Mean Girls as the ref, but come on people we're Australian. We had meaner mean girls in the 90's.
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Alisha, Cat & Romy.
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OG mean girls.
Moving on (which I really hope Bachie does from these 3) this leaves us with Juliana, Shaz and Sophie. I like Juliana's authentic no heels policy. You do you girl! I'd rather be comfortable at the cocktail party too. Then again, I'd also want to be able to run away fast from the ocelots around me. I like Shaz too. She seems really lovely. However she's doing the old 3 finger smile, which can be a little too much. If you don't know what I'm talking about then go to your bathroom mirror, put two fingers between your teeth, pull them away and see how that's a normal big smile. Now try it with 3 fingers, pull them away and see how it's possible for you to look like a crazy person too. I'm not saying that Shaz is, I'm just seeing crazy smile and it needs to be turned down a notch.

Lastly, there's Sophie. Poor Sophie is one of Cat's first victims and she's not having a bar of it. Alisha (Cat's main pot stirrer) brings up how she and Cat have something in common. Sophie thinks it's because they're both from Brisbane... Nuh. Cat tries to shame her in front of the ladies by saying that Sophie is currently seeing Cat's ex-boyfriend who she saw in Bali 2 weeks ago with photographic evidence. Sophie says that she saw him a couple of times a long time ago and denies currently seeing anyone.

Oh dear, there's going to be a number of episodes featuring the horrible behaviour of 3 women to 22 other women until they're finally booted (whenever that might be). Does anyone know how many episodes of the show we're supposed to get per week? Didn't we used to have a Sunday rose ceremony? Why is that not happening? Are we only getting Wednesday and Thursday nights? I really need some structure people!
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But wait, there's one more lady who we can't forget mentioning... Vanessa Sunshine. She introduces herself as Vanessa Sunshine to Nick, the other 24 ladies, on camera and we all get that her name is Vanessa Sunshine. Yet she's not quite living up to her name. I'm not quite getting the sunshine vibes. I wonder if the Badger will be able to get her to smile...

The rose ceremony takes a couple of lives but they're not so sad about it because they hadn't really invested anything into him yet. Not like Cass. Gosh, watching her wait for a rose was like an over thinker's purgatory. It looked like she was barely breathing the entire time. So, let's see what happens next whenever that might be.

#TheBachelorAU #Season6 #HoneyBadger #MeanGirlsEdition #3FingerSmile #OsherGunsberg
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    Jesse McGoldrick is an actor, writer, dancer, karaoke enthusiast, guitar player, occasional painter, creative and dark chocoholic.

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