Disclaimer: If you're on the show and reading this, please know that this is all in jest. I promise you. Also, you have put yourself out there so don't expect funny things not to be recapped about. Anyway, nobody reads this but a couple of my girlfriends. I have auditioned for the show myself (Sam Wood's season), so I know exactly what's going on behind the curtains. Good luck and please keep making the audiences of Australia have a good laugh or shock horror. We are all very grateful.
So we begin...
2 seconds out of Bachie in Paradiso and Fiji has done Papa Osh no end of good. He is just looking so fresh (and so clean clean). However, I feel that we have a new man crush going on… Osher’s description about new Bach Locky, combined with that trademark beaming smile, it looks and sounds more like all the reasons he could be falling for him at first sight too (lookout ladies, the competition is stiff this season). For the record, I do not watch Survivor and – like 99% of the girls on the show – I did not know that Locky was on it; swear on my eyebrows. Insert massive eye roll on that new phrase created by the only lady who recognised Locky from Survivor. Rest assured that I will roll that line out regularly together with ‘I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this’. I’m more of a Love Island kinda girl (UK version only). Hopefully Survivor has prepared Locky for his season of Bachie, because there’s going to be a tonne of obstacles (not just the Covid kind).
Tonight I’m huddled up under 2 blankets to keep me warm because it’s cold af, but seeing Osh just reignites the trash bonfire that’s still burning from Paradiso in my heart. I’m ready to watch what Love in Lockydown (see what I did there) is going to look like. Cue Bachie’s 12 promo rolls and we get straight to the bit I’ve been waiting for; apparently Survivor did not prepare him for FALLING IN LOVE WITH 2 WOMEN!!! He’s genuinely in tears over his predicament. He declares to camera that you don’t break up with the woman that you love (even if it’s 2 at the same time). Oh Locky, already showing us you’re a classic over thinker and double dipper. Welcome doll, you are on the right program. May this be the reverse of Badgie’s season where we end up seeing the Bachie’s first thruple. It’s ok if not but I’m just putting it out there. I’m also just really excited to know ahead of time that I’m not going to be left disappointed at the final rose ceremony with some ding dong Bachie walking down a beach going, “This rooster is just confused and don’t know if he’ll ever find love.” I’m still reeling after that season. It’s why I didn’t watch Matt or Angie’s subsequent seasons.
I don’t know about you, but I watched the line-up of girls so thoroughly after hearing Locky say in his promo to the final 2 that he fell in love with one of them the moment he met her. So I am looking for as many clues as to which lady that might be. I do realise that I’m up against an elite team of editors who have fooled me before.
We meet Steph. She is beautiful and I approve and she loves a spicy burrito, which I approve again. He too loves burritos and had one at lunch and oh the synchronicity!! – because who doesn’t eat burritos all the time? Oh wait, Badgie probs didn’t. But Locky doesn’t do spicy burritos. He’s all for a spicy lady, but not spicy food. Then along comes Asthma Izzie with a platter of… Sadly another spice queen. She has literally brought him a platter of different chilli’s to try. His Survivor instincts kick in and he cracks the top off the green chilli and swallows immediately. Just 1 bite and swallow to prevent tears. Locky is not going to cry tonight people! Spice challenge done and dusted. Next up we have Nicole the dancing queen. He apparently sucks at dancing but he’s happy to do a lift. I don’t know what kind of editing has gone on behind the scenes (or how long it took Nicole to teach him), but Locky has just done a super tight dance number with a lift and a dip at the end. He is what I would call Pan Pacific Championship ready. Can’t dance? Pfft liar liar! Anyway, Nicole rhumba’s away to the cocktail party and along comes Irena (pronounced eye-reen-ah). She’s a nurse and she’s set to get someone’s pulse racing, just so she can unbutton his shirt and get her hands on his chest already. Yep, he’s having palpitations already. Also it’s great that she’s a nurse cause he does a “lot of dumb stuff” J Bless.
Next up is Marlena, and all I can think about the is that character from Days of Our Lives in the 90’s (but it’s not her). Marlena has brought her beautiful doggo and the producers do a really short cut on the whole interaction. I wanted to see more of her doggo. But along comes Juliette who gets lost in his eyes. Then Maddie, a primary school teacher who actually gets a chalk board rolled out onto Bachie’s Persian greeting rug (no). Next up is the woman we’ve all seen the promo’s for… It’s Arriba! I really want to just fall asleep on the i key whenever I type her name, because nobody’s really saying that name in their head quietly like ‘Arriba’. You’re all thinking Arrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiibaaa!! Right? She bowsay (bossy). I mean, good on her for being a boss in her own right but there’s a very fine line between being a boss and being totally rude. Arriba is a Home Loan Officer (interesting) and I mean if chilli was a person it’d be her. Fark! She’s talking to him like he’s on a job interview or worse; he’s being run through a series of home loan questions and she’s going to give him her own credit score. She mentions the word ‘boss’ about 157 times on the Persian greeting rug and Locky mistakenly goes to walk up to the cocktail party but remembers that he’s the Bachelor and still needs to greet more ladies. Arriba agrees to walk on up to the cocktail party by the producers, but also affirms on camera that Locky will be coming to make the moves on her and not the other way around… Or he’s not being a granted a loan. Wait, what?
Next up is another curious lady that’s been splashed all over the promo’s. It’s Rosemary the Penguin. She’s in her penguin costume, ready to meet her Bachie in his penguin suit (gag acknowledged), and has a matching collection of penguin everything at home. Apparently there’s even a novelty penguin cocktail glass with matching straw cause that’s how she rolls. Locky loves her for making a goose penguin of herself for him. Then along comes Zoe-Clare. She is a loud, blunt, redhead from Brisbane. FFS I can see this train wreck coming a mile away. She’s brought him a beer and her party trick is to take a bottle cap off with her teeth… Classy. Yes that really happened. Zoe-Clare is just like a few Brisbane ‘socialites’ that I know that are all alike; tall, slender, beautiful in that cookie cutter model way and yet 1 beer separates her from being dignified to completely rough as fkn guts (and I can hear it all in her accent). Also, for some reason there is a whole thing about being a “ranga” in Brisbane so I’m not surprised that Zoe-Clare cannot stop bringing it up. Anyway, off she toddles up to the mansion for more booze.
We are then delighted with Leilani who brings Locky a lei. Leilani has literally lei’d Locky already. Boom! That just happened too. Next up is a quick flick of Claire, Georgie, Belle, Gemma (who’s brought her own ‘this is my life in a box’ box), Marg (is it Marg?), Paige, Christina (mixed martial artist who ends up on Locky’s shoulders for all of 2 seconds), a tattooed girl whose name I missed, then a team of Lebanese drummers who proceed to loudly percuss for a beautiful Lebanese girl whose name I also missed because I was too busy frothing over new villain Laura the Snob sitting in the limo unable to cope with the drumming. In full pout / eye roll mode, she can’t even at this point. Just like can’t coz drums are too much… Ugh. Yes Channel 10 producers, you’ve found another villain!
Laura the Snob strolls on up to the Persian greeting rug, which barely meets her approval, and greets tall handsome Locky with a ‘chatterbox’ because she’s also a chatterbox (insert giggles). Please understand that the ‘chatterbox’ in her hand is one of those folded paper fortune tellers that we all used to make and use in primary school all the time. He follows suit and she starts flicking the damn thing and opens it up to “what expensive item would you buy me for my birthday?” I’m pretty sure she coughed and said ‘next week’ too since apparently it’s her birthday week. Convenient. She’s expecting a bag from Louis Vuitton but Bachie quickly points out that it will be a Bali Vuitton cause like a real one is 7 tickets return to Bali. Also, Laura the Snob has never been to Bali coz like ew, it’s gross. Like nuh. OMG she’s a total nightmare.
Charley rocks up and reminds me a bit of Cass from Badgie’s season. Charley loooooooves her eyebrows. Like fully loves them. So when she gets up to the cocktail party she asks all the other ladies if they knew that Locky’s from Survivor. Gasps and disbelief rock the mansion right down to its possibly unsteady foundation (because well it’s in NSW and the buildings here are about to get reviewed by a new commissioner). Anyway, Charley swears on her eyebrows lol ladies lol that Locky is from Survivor! Amidst the Survivor revelations, in tiptoes Bella. This is the lady that Locky gets his eyes lost in. They are vibing like fk… She pins a symbolic love heart on his jacket sleeve and then tiptoes into the cocktail party like a princess. Her heart is skipping beats, she’s got butterflies going in her tummy and I feel like she might be the winner or red herring. It could go either way at this point because the editors of Bachie are bloody good at what they do.
Locky joins the ladies at the cocktail party and Zoe-Clare is objectifying the absolute fk out of him. Zoe-Clare and Laura are our official mean girls crew. I think they might be able to turn it up a notch since Cat, Romy and Alisha were in the mansion. In strolls Osher and all the girls are frothing like mad similar to that meme of Jonah Hill behaving like a valley girl losing her mind. Papa Osh explains a very first in Bachelor history (because there has to be a ‘very first’ for every year) and it’s a triple threat rose. Same same to that 2 tone rose, but diffs. I think someone from the set styling crew has taken a double coloured rose and splotched a pop of yellow paint in there… Voila tri-colour rose. What this rose means is 1 guaranteed single date, 1 guaranteed group date and 1 guaranteed invite back to the Bach pad. Meanwhile Osher looks like he wants that rose just as bad as the ladies. I’m joking of course. But am I really.
Locky does a big group toast and you can see Arrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiibaaa staring him down like a terminator… Loan approved! He picks Rosemary the penguin for a first chat. Laura the Snob is furious because she already owns Bachie. He’s claimed, like dah. She needs him. She needs him in her life. So all I can think is how about you go buy yourself a purse babe? What I’d like to find out about her is; can she afford her own luxury brand items or is she just expecting people to buy her luxury brands? #QualityQuestions
So now we finally get to see what the promo clips were waiting to show us; what’s under the penguin suit that Rosemary is going to pull off so well? Sorry, that didn’t sound right but you know what I mean. Anyway it’s a gorgeous fully sequinned black cocktail dress and she looks beautiful that she was always going to pull off… Still doesn’t sound right, but you know what I mean.
Zoe-Clare then grabs him next for his second chat but before she’s even let the full Brisbane bogan out Arriba sits down and joins them. I have to admit, it was a bit rude and very much a third wheel move. Locky looked a bit taken aback, but he’s got to deal with this. Arriba’s all, “see, he was looking forward to seeing me”. Zoe-Clare is on fire; and no I’m not talking about her red hair. She literally looks like a volcano that’s about to explode. She lets “Abracadabra” have her 2 seconds with Bachie and storms off to spit fire at the other ladies.
Zoe begins the drama. Apparently she deserves more respect as a woman by that mole... Hmm not when you call another woman a mole on national tv you don’t. No self-respecting lady wants any part of the drama, unless they are sure they’re not getting a rose and want a bit of camera time.
Nurse Irene-ah is getting in there again with her stethoscope. Laura is fully against this touching of her man by another woman but is forced to watch Nurse Irene-ah teach him how to use a stethoscope… On her. Once that’s done, and we get a vox pop of Laura the Snob doing a good amount of pfft’s and ugh’s to the camera ‘Kim Craig nee Day’ styles, Locky goes over to grab a moment with Bella. The chemistry has fizzled and is being a little downplayed and I feel like she’s going to get the triple threat rose.
Meanwhile Zoe-Clarke is still losing her mind over Arriba “targeting her for being a ranga”. Off camera the Producer asks her if she’s actually heard Arriba say that about her and she says no. So Zoe-Clarke does what she probably will do best and wobbles drunkenly over to Arriba to stand over the top of her dominantly, do a bit of finger pointing right in her face and tell her off for singling her out in the whole mansion and trying to ruin her chances at love just because she’s a ranga. Arriba, in full boss mode, sits and watches her performance and then cracks open one of the sandwich boxes for a spot of dinner not giving 2 f’s. Well-handled Arriba, well-handled indeed. I probs would have grabbed her by the finger and broken it WWE style.
Bachie walks around the mansion and puts his big move on Dancing Queen Nicole. He does the Ryan Gosling and lifts her up like Patrick Swayze at the end of Dirty Dancing. He actually does it!!! The ladies are frothing, Nicole is in love, Osh is in love, I’m in love… And he gives Nicole the triple threat rose because she’s done nothing but be a complete delight to everyone as well as entertain all night long. Laura the Snob is all like ‘what do I have to do to get a triple threat rose? Fling my legs in the air? Because I could do that if I was wearing a dress like that’. Something tells me she can’t pull a full Valencian Carmen Miranda number off… Not unless Gucci’s got an up and coming number in their next line. Missed opportunity Laura. Missed opportunity. Also, who is Laura the Snob even wearing?? If you’re going to be a snob, dress to impress babe. Maybe put some lippy on cause bore-za. I might call her Boreza Laurza.
OMG I’ve missed Osher’s Rose Ceremony voice, even though it’s only been 3 days since Paradiso. I’ve also missed the music too. It really sets a tone. Then in the sexy dulcet quiet vocal tones of his, Osher tells us that Locky’s giving him a rose Zoe-Clare is “unwell” but Locky wants to give her a rose regardless. Is she paralytic? I think she had too much wine (or beer) and is currently off camera pewking it all up in the portaloo’s. Laura the Snob sh*ts a few bricks waiting for Locky to call her name out and give her a rose. He eventually does. She thinks he’s playing hard to get. I don’t. At. All. There’s some lass in a lilac cocktail frock who doesn’t get a rose, and another girl. Oh well. Looking forward to the next ep’s festivities. There’s going to be a photo shoot and I think an intruder. The girls look shook and have a good sook!
Top 4 & top 2
Top 4: Steph, Nicole, Irena & Bella
Top 2: Irena & Bella
What do you think?
#TheBachelorAustralia #TheBachelor #LoveInLockydown #TrashTVBlog