- "100% my type on paper" (meaning: we match on paper, but not IRL soz babe)
- "getting mugged off" or "you're so muggy" (meaning: someone's being a jerk)
- "absolute melt" (meaning: you're being ridiculous)
- "grafting" (meaning: putting down some good foundations to pick up a bird)
- "crack on" (meaning: someone's going to pursue the romance)
- "extra" (meaning: similar to absolute melt, but really just taking something too far)
PS. A friend of mine is one of the crew filming and editing the show and all I see is her pics of Majorca and sangria. Good on you babe! #claimtofame
- You have to "Couple Up" in order to stay in the villa. You don't have to be romantic. You can be strategic about it and graft away if someone better arrives at the villa.
- Speaking of people arriving at the villa, this happens a lot. Sometimes it's a stray girl or a stray guy in need of a place to sunbake, drink and act totes inappropes. But every now and then they send in 2 people at once. They have the power to choose who they want to couple up with and are free from being sent home at an elimination round.
- The Islanders get set challenges in the villa and have to play a few games which usually involve the truth coming out and causing couples to break up or just fight. It sounds very nasty, and it is, but it's very entertaining to watch. Said games though are things like getting the guys to put red lipstick on and see how many kisses they can kiss onto their couple's body. Yep. Some of the challenges inside the villa are things like waking up to toy babies that cry and need changing (etc), and the couples need to look after them. They also get to do secret missions like making someone say something 10 times or getting a compliment from all the guys in the villa, etc. Stock standard stuff. They usually pull this out when the budget is running low.
- There are cocktail nights almost every night. But the fancy one is usually on a Friday. So get out your GHD's and blend on some smokey after 5 eye and a very tiny dress (or a stupidly bright print shirt with some ripped jeans) for the cocktail party.
- One couple usually has to cook a meal for the whole group each week. This can be a very funny thing to watch. If you haven't seen Love Island UK season 3's Chris and Olivia shopping for ingredients and then trying to cook everything, you do not know true comedy. I'll give you a hint, Chris can't tell the difference between onion and garlic. He also doesn't know how to chop or cook. All of this infuriates Olivia. So Chris just positively affirms her while she's chopping, cooking, preparing and doing it all because he's really missing some important life skills. So funny.
- I nearly forgot to mention the dates! So with intruders, they get to pick a guy or girl to go on a date with. It's usually wine and nibbles on a picnic blanket somewhere picturesque (sort of). There are dates the couples go on too, or the guys get to go for a drink at a bar (that's outside and nobody else around for), or the girls go have a sangria somewhere, or if they've won a challenge a couple will go into the secret bedroom that's located in the house somewhere.
- Secret bedroom: in this room there's usually a dinner on a little patio, a sexy bed, a box of naughty toys / lubes / edibles for them to use (if they want) all complete with hidden night vision cameras to catch some doona dancing. One of the bonuses about this room is that there's nobody else around, so they get a better sleep.
- Also, the winning couple get $50,000. We decide who wins btw.
Millie is 24, from the North Shore in Sydney and works in a "doggy day care". Her IG feed is exactly what you thought it would be: suggestive poses and puppy noses. Just know that she is all "butts and bants" people. Millie explains a previous heartbreak and I do feel sorry for her. She found her boyfriend in the shower with someone else. That effing sucks. My advice to you Millie is to be classy and show that idiot just what he lost. Even though this is a poor life choice, make the best of it in the villa.
Next up is Cassidy: 23, from a small town and works on the beer taps at a pub called The Dick. Yes, you heard right, The Dick, and she milks it every chance she can get (these jokes just write themselves). Cassidy loves mentioning to people that she works at The Dick by saying things like, "That's just the kind of service you get at The Dick"... See what I mean? Cassidy is going to do all the hard work for me. However, she is looking for a surfer guy to throw her around a bit, not a pretty boy.
Cassidy and Millie talk about what kind of guys they're looking for and they both share a love chippies / tradies, etc, but not really coz they fart... Wait, do footballers, surfers and pretty boys not fart? I so did not get that memo.
Before we know it, another girl is jumping out the top of her bikini top and the Jeep that's driving her to the villa. Did Channel 9 not make them watch safety videos? Keep it safe people.
Our third entrant into the villa is Erin. She wants to know if her "Tits look good? ... Of course they look good". K... Aggressive. You don't need to be psychic to figure out what's going to happen with this chicky babe. Erin is 23 and a "naughty nurse". Oh look, I never would have guessed her IG account was just selfies with the girls out. Never ever. But wait, her best feature is her "eyes" she says as she pushes her fake boobs together and makes a naughty nurse face. Really? This girl is all kinds of Davina from MAFS. She rattles off a list of qualities in men that apparently all girls share with her like the love of a guy with a neck tattoo... Soz babe, that's not for me. This lady (me) has good taste, style and elegance (and makes good life choices).
Erin asks what Millie does. She works with dogs. "OMG so you'd be able to handle men real easy then?" Lol babe, so true. And we're back to talking about the kind of men they like.
In super slow mo we see Natasha walking in. She's 24, also from WA, owns her own hair and beauty salon and likes the kind of guy that owns a boat (if you don't have one, you'd better get one). Natasha is into the finer things in life and isn't into "no toilet cleaners"... My inner English teacher just shuddered at that. Her IG profile is all suggestive poses, but mainly showing as much cleavage, bum, curves and skin as possible. She drops in that she has even partied with Justin Bieber (coz he has a boat) and then suggestively says that she doesn't kiss or tell (smirk wink wink). Haha she did tho...
The girls realise that since there's 5 of them in there, that they're all there. I really want to drop in that the lights are on and nobody's home, but it would be lost on them.
Enter Sophie... Aww she seems to be having trouble walking up the gravel driveway in her 12 inch heels. Sophie turns up and all the girls squeel with excitement. You can tell they all want to ask about what happened with Stu... Awks. Regardless, the Sophie Monk twang is in the house. Get ready to hear her drop some "hi gewls" and a few "weow(s)". She asks what all the gewls are looking for in a goi. Natasha is looking to be a guy's #1 and that they need to own a boat cause she deserves to be treated like a princess... Does she know what show she's on? #SlimPickings
Sophie brings on the men. Enter Josh: 25 from Sydney, and a sports administrator. He rates himself a 10 out of 10, with a 9.95 personality. Oh Josh, I'm sensing a 2,000 on douchebag scale from you. Although Natasha might be your girl if you have your douche canoe handy. He then admits to having a medical condition... I'm a little surprised that Love Island Australia has gone in the same direction as all the singing competition shows to milk someone's tragic past, but then he clears that right up and says the medical condition is called "wandering eye". Right. A self confessed douchebag. Got it. Kel Graham Knight had a wandering eye too. But his was the medical kind, not yours babe. You have just admitted to being a philanderer on TV. This right here is a poor life choice (#PLC). What a great life choice for everyone who knows you in your career circle. He admits to falling in love really quickly, possibly 2 or 3 girls in the same day. Aww Josh, it seems you're challenged in the intelligence department too because that's not falling in love, that's just called being horny all the time and trying to ring-a-ding-ding with as many women as you can... smh #NotHere4Love #DoucheCanoeFor2
Sophie asks Josh (with no shirt) if he's ready, cause "Love Island is all about fawnding tha perfect match". He stands in front of 5 smoking hot women who are going to choose if they like him by stepping forward. Big dramatic pause... Not a single girl has stepped forward. Awks. Even Soph's giving us the "uh oh spaghettio's" side eye.
Sophie asks if any of the ladies will stand forward if they like Justin. We all hear crickets chirping at this point as not a single girl wants to stand forward for him. Justin's having what seems to be a mini heart attack because he's never ever been rejected before. He doesn't know what to do or say because this is "a new experience for him". Justin can now choose who he wants, and he goes for Millie.
None of the girls are still stepping forward for Charlie either. So Sophie clears up the Millie date (ie. no sex peeps) and Natasha steps forward for him.
Sophie offers Grant forward to the girls when Cassidy and Natasha step forward for him. Girl fiiiiiight!! Just kidding. Grant chooses Cassidy as she stood out to him immediately. Meanwhile Charlie looks a little sad about Natasha wanting Grant. Things aren't off to a good start for Charlie.
So now we meet Eden. "Lucky last". He's the 25 year old prison guard by day, dancing machine by night... What exactly does that mean? Is he a stripper, sorry male exotic dancer by night? Is that what he's saying? Aaaaand he's just admitted to sleeping with a bride in a hen's party. So yes, he is a stripper. He's tall with tattoos and white teeth - Erin's fave. Also, he recently got told he looks like an Adonis the other day. Where is that vomit bag? He's also stolen The Rock's move of flexing his pecs to let a loidy know he's flirting with you. I really need that vomit bag now!
He wants a blonde gewl with good banter. Erin steps forward before any other girl can and warns the others not to step forward coz he's all hers. Stay back bitches! He was drawn to her red bikini, so he knows she's the one. The way he describes Erin's looks to Sophie is really making me feel uncomfortable while Erin pouts, poses, scrunches her hair in the best sexual-esque way she can... Erin he is a PLC!!! Run girl run!!
Couple "getting to know you" chat time:
- Grant and Cassidy chat up a storm. She loves that he's a full bogan. He thinks she's a super cool chick but doesn't want to piss in her pocket or nothing. He calls her mate twice in one sentence. He leans over a lot. Wait, is that the signature tradie fart move all the girls were warning us of earlier? Hold your breath Cassidy. How will this poor girl cope sleeping in the same bed as him? I'm afraid she'll be the first Islander to die of extreme dutch ovening by a romantic interest.
- Justin watches Millie's perfect hair fluttering in the breeze as she explains how she's an animal warrior person, in that if she sees a pigeon struggling she'll just catch it and take it to the vet. Woah dude, Justin's totally blown away. He asks if she's vegan. Nuh, she's a pescatarian (that's a fish eater btw). Justin used to be a kangatarian... WTFF?!! Who are these people? Apparently that's a kangaroo and fish eater. He used to eat Kangaroo because like they're not farmed. No shit Sherlock. Millie thinks that's nice, with the most blank expression I've ever seen. Justin asks what would have happened if she had stepped forward for Charlie. She's not sure. I think she's still trying to process the kangatarian comment.
- Erin and Eden chat. They're both talking about how confident they are. She's not shy, he's not shy. He can see she's wild, she admits being sexual, he admits being sexual. So she naturally asks if he's ever cheated, "oh yeah". To which she does a double take and is like, "Wot mate?" He explains he did that when he was younger, not like he does it all the time tho. Really? Then why say it like you do it all the time. In the diary room he tells us all how much sexual chemistry there is between he and Erin. "Who knows we may be the first ones to christen the villa". Where's that spew bag again???? Clearly, I have an allergy to douchebags. This is going to be touch and go for me.
- Josh and Tayla's chat centres around how they found each other (ie. looks wise). Oh no, Josh's diary room chat is where his bants kicks up a notch and he starts dropping pick up lines. I think you're supposed to say it to her face, hence why she looked bored. He tells us how he thinks she's like an oil painting and could pull in a bigger crowd than the Mona Lisa. Tayla warns Josh that she's dated some jerks and doesn't want another one. Am I the only one who can see douchebag? Maybe I've got some special filter for it in my eyes. They talk about cheating, which neither of them have done. Good-o.
- Charlie and Natasha chat. When I say chat, I mean Charlie sits there with his mouth open looking at everyone else but Natasha. She asks what he thinks of her. He puts his foot in his mouth by saying that he was too busy looking at Millie and then goes on about it for a bit. At this point Natasha doesn't feel like she's chosen the right guy, especially if he's looking elsewhere. He doesn't really register that or care.
Time for the first cocktails party! The guys rank the girls, while the girls talk about how they feel about who they chose. I feel like "we're all good" is going to be the first phrase of Love Island Australia. All the guys are saying it (#predictable).
Time for bed. Erin is already kissing Eden. She rates him a 7 out of 10. He looks a little insulted. The lights go out and people head to bed. Erin and Eden snog away. Looks like they're going to be the first couple to christen the villa. Maybe not though.
Next morning the guys are training while Erin and Natasha dribble over their coffees. Erin admits that she doesn't trust Eden. Meanwhile, over in the hot tub, Charlie is pining over Millie while talking to Cassidy about it. He cannot stop talking about it. She thinks he should crack on with Millie since they're both in the villa together. You know, second chances and the universe bringing these star crossed lovers (who haven't had sex) together and all.
Charlie then chats to Natasha. She isn't even into him. I mean, he doesn't own a boat. They both feel they'd be better friends than anything romantic. Natasha finds every single way to tell Charlie that he's immature, which makes him do that head tilt thing that puppies do when you make different noises at them. He admits on camera after that conversation that he'd block her and tell her to fuck off if they were outside the villa. How mature. Natasha, you pegged him well. Looks like he's going to learn a few lessons in the villa.
Charlie asks Millie to chat because he thinks he's in with Millie. He even gives the Wiggles finger pointing move behind Millie's back to the guys as they way past. She's not into him and looks pretty bored. She too mentions that he's immature and she wants a real mature man to take care of her. He pretends that he knows what she's on about and says that he felt like nothing was going to happen anyway (not)... He's super cut while Millie just moves on with her life.
Justin feels into Tayla, not Millie. Another sign of couple remorse. Josh isn't going to like that much. Meanwhile Tayla giggles at everything Justin does. Josh mentions to Grant that he doesn't know where he stands with Tayla. But apparently she says his banter is crap. Hold on a second, Josh is storing up his bants to roll out slowly. Duh. Justin proceeds to feel this out first though, being the "oldest islander" (at 27). Puh-lease. My Mum's got cans of soup older than you. I think he thinks that if he puts a fist under his chin while talking that he looks really mature and sophisticated... Soz no. That's a hard no Justin.
Justin grabs Josh for a chat about what's going on. Josh admits that he would be gutted if he and Tayla ended up together, and Justin just wants to try to crack on with her. Josh (aka lame duck) waddles over to Eden and Charlie (aka front hat and back hat) for a chat. Eden suggests Josh being an asshole as a tactic to get Tayla to like him more. Coz that still works in 2018.
Justin and Tayla then chat (wearing sunglasses in the shade) about who she likes. She doesn't openly admit who she likes, while he admits that he's into her. She *giggles* never would have picked that *giggles* (me: le spew). They're "vibing" each other. Tayla admits she likes him too. Justin pours his heart out over her in the diary room. He's totally falling for her. And there goes the hand under the chin again... No Justin, stop it.
OMG Grant gets a text! #firsttext There's going to be a party at the villa tonight and everyone gets dressed up. Eden and Charlie wear double denim, like they'd probably do in Step Brothers. They all start drinking, dancing and partying away. Meanwhile, a blonde bombshell is dropped on the front doorstep.
Her name is Kim. She's 22 years old and a bikini model. Her IG is just bikini shots and making sexual poses / faces. I think I'm learning how to make a sexy IG photo - pose like you're having sex. Even her self explanation to camera includes all the sexual poses she's aware of. She slinks into the villa with a bottle of champagne and the pout of the finest trout you've ever seen. Erin immediately hates her because she's blonde, skinny and has big boobs. How dare she take her look! The girls are salty. Kim is from Brisbane... Oh dear, that's my home town. Fark her teeth are so white you need to wear sunglasses to see them. Erin asks Kim how old she is. She's 22. "Oh I thought you were older" Erin smirks. Ooooh giiiiirl! Saucer of milk, table 2.
Next ep: Tayla gets a text this time, and Kim has to couple up with one of the guys which makes Erin freak out. I also promise to have more screenshots in my next blog. I'm just too busy.
#LoveIslandAustralia #Episode1 #CouplingUp #Intruder